In short

I cared for you
when you didn’t know
I was

I thought of you
when I was in the back of my mother’s car
screaming in my carseat
crying for relief
from everything she was
and everything I would be

When you noticed me
for the first time
I held my breath
and let it out slowly
holding the moment inside me
like a memory
I didn’t want to forget

When you held me
for the last time
I didn’t notice
the feel of your hands
the curve of your hips
your gentle kiss

Too carried away
in the everyday
I slept through the last of it

And when it was over
I thought back to what I was
and how I waited

and I knew that
there could have been more
if I had moved away from the memory of you

if I had held you as you were
not as I wanted you to be
if I had loved you for the times
when you could have left
but lingered on

There were things we could have said
things I could have heard
that I won’t hear now

that you won’t hear now

There will still be holding
but only in my memory
we will still be loving
but only in my memory

and the wind is colder there.

Forgiveness will come
and gentleness too
but that is far from me now
only bitterness
and regret

Shadows holding me down.